It’s easy to think marriage will be like the fairytales we read as children. But anyone married for any length of time knows that isn’t the case. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and it’s not always easy to get through the rough spots. That’s why it’s essential to develop strategies for dealing with marriage difficulties. This blog post will discuss four truths about marriage difficulties and how to get through them!

Look at marriage difficulties through a biblical lens to restore hope

There are many wrong ways to deal with marriage difficulties, including verbal fighting, adultery, substance abuse, reckless behaviors, staying away from home, physical abuse, or ultimately divorce. These negative behaviors result from one’s flesh being more potent than their will to submit to the Holy Spirit. The Apostle Paul describes these behaviors as cravings or desires. Cravings are strong. They can be so strong that they seem to take over our will and thoughts. Galatians 5:17, which Paul stated in his letter to the Galatians, sums up his whole doctrine. The flesh conflicts with the Spirit. Mature Christians accept that they can’t do whatever they want. Mature Christians yield their fleshly desires to the Spirit. When marriage difficulties come, it’s important to remember that God can use them to develop our character and maturity. James says that we should have joy when facing various trials (James 1:2). Why? Marriage difficulties can be a good thing! They can help us grow in our faith and become more like Christ. Paul adds that perseverance builds character, and character builds hope (Romans 5:3-5). During relationship difficulties, these benefits are not readily seen nor happily acknowledged. Perseverance and endurance are what we can develop by withstanding marriage difficulties. Perseverance builds incredible hope at home!

Maximize your spouse’s strengths

To successfully get through the marriage rough spots, we need to learn to maximize our spouse’s strengths, which means celebrating more than criticizing. Jesus teaches in the Sermon on the Mount when he warns us first to remove the plank from our eye, and then “you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye” (Luke 6:41-42). Hypocrisy is a significant issue beneath the surface that causes so many marriage difficulties. Lovers can quickly point out the issues with each other, JUST NOT THEMSELVES! That’s because we see spousal specks easier than our planks. It’s always easier to see others’ shortcomings than our own. Marriage difficulties often result when we fail to take the plank out of our eyes. Maximizing our spouses’ strengths requires developing a healthy dose of humility and learning to celebrate more than criticize in marriage! Criticism builds barriers and separates people. While celebration builds connection, Paul instructs us to esteem each other (Philippians 2:3). Biblically, esteem means to bring them up, not tear them down! When was the last time you complimented your spouse on one of their strengths? Start today by penning a letter to a friend listing all of your spouse’s strong points. You can list as many as you want, but only positive things. When finished, please give it to your spouse. Note how their reaction is different from when you criticize them.

Confess your shortcomings

To successfully get through marriage’s rough spots, we must confess our shortcomings. Marriage is supposed to be a safe place. We should discuss our shortcomings with the assurance we will not be put down because of them. Creating that kind of atmosphere takes vulnerability and one brave person to start. Jesus’ brother, James, says confession heals (James 5:16). Confession is good for the soul; it is also suitable for relationships! When we confess, it opens the door for our spouse to do the same. We need to remember that marriage is a team effort, and we are on the same side! There is no room for competition in marriage. When difficulties come, we need to view them as an opportunity to grow closer by confession. Biblical confession means to admit punishable actions for stepping out of bounds. When was the last time you admitted to anything wrong in your marriage? Confession allows us to enter into restricted spaces of the heart. So, confession is an opportunity for intimacy, which yields excellent dividends. Confession shows that we are aware of our faults and want to change. Another byproduct is that confession allows us to pray for each other, and God does answer! Confessing your faults also allows your spouse to extend grace to you, like a healing salve. Opening yourself up to this vulnerability is excellent in a friendship, but it’s fantastic when that friend is your spouse.

Focus on the finish Line

The Hebrews writer encourages us to look to Jesus, the author, and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:1-2). This means that marriages should look to Jesus as the author and finisher of their relationship. Marriage is serious business. It is a promise worth keeping. The truth is, it won’t always be easy. You won’t get marriage perfect, and you may fail again and again in your attempts. Still, you are not in this alone. It would help if you had your eyes open in marriage to see where you are going.

We want to know we finished well. We will have some scrapes and bruises—it’s expected in any race—but there is a sense of accomplishment in knowing we gave our best. It’s the same with marriage. Sadly, current statistics reflect that many Christian marriages do not keep their commitments. We live in a throwaway society. If something no longer works, it is quickly discarded and replaced. Marriage should be different. God intended marriage to be for keeps. Too often get discouraged when we focus on our difficulties instead of the finish line. Marriage is a picture of Christ and his church. It’s a picture marred today, but we Christ-followers can bring that picture back into focus. We can be different from the world that bails when the going gets rough. With God’s strength and grace for each new day, you continued putting one foot in front of the other, and when you fell, you brushed yourself off and got up again. We can finish this marriage race by looking forward to hearing God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

What are some marriage rough spots you’ve faced? How did you faithfully get through them? Share your story in the comments below or discuss the questions below with your small group at church!

Discussion starters

1. When was the first time you realized your spouse was less than perfect? When did your spouse learn this truth about you?

2. What factors contribute to our thinking that relationships shouldn’t have rough spots? What practical things can prepare us for them?

3. What are some ways couples deal with disappointments as they learn their frailties?

4. Looking back to your dating relationship, were there any signs that all would not be smooth sailing, or were you shocked? Explain.

5. How did your parents handle the rough spots in their marriage? Did you adopt their ways of dealing with them?